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For the past few weeks I have been wondering the words I wanted to write and speak on without coming off crazy or hurtful. And then today I was like F*** it, write what you really just can’t seem to say in person, & let people read the madness in your words.
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My lord, I swear I change my mind more than I change my underpants… Jokes aside. I am so back & forth with myself all the time. The problem is… I am a headcase. As stated in my previous blog posts, I need reassurance. “Are you sure this is going to be okay?” And the problem with life is you simply never know. I’m learning that, yet this is what causes my sleepless nights and my husband on the verge of murder when I build something up, talk and obsess over it 827383 times a day, then all of a sudden go “never mind I don’t like that.” You should see his face every time. Whoops. Sometimes I just think I’m a genius and that’s why I suffer from the madness that I create. HAH!! I am all about “my gut feelings” on things, & I am so great at reading situations that I psych myself out soooooo much. So here is my first world problems dilemma.
I’d say since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to live in the city. I did. I loved everything about it and the days my mom or dad would take us down there would just be epic. Although my mom hated driving in the city, still to this day does, and would just go “mhmmm… okay Meggie” as I would tell her. “No mom, just wait, I will live down here!” And sweet mother of pearl I did. For about 3 ish years I lived in “sweet home Chicago” West Loop to be exact. From age 22-25 I LOVED it. I was infatuated with the fast pace, the tall buildings, the culture, everything. My first two nights down there couldn’t have been anymore me. The day of the move was anything but “look at me now” it was more of me regretting every part of moving out of my Mamma’s home with my ride or die sisters and brother to completely crying in severe panic mode to the point Matthew thought “well this isn’t going to work” I mean I was baaaad. I couldn’t even breathe. I was looking at all the cups and plates my mom gave me and everyone I seen made it harder like “omg the cup we all drank out of as kids…and now I’m not home with them” ball insanely. Typical dramatic mamma’s girl. Then that night we drove back home because I had to graduate college the next morning. And just the feeling I got being back in my comfort zone hood,I was immediately put to ease laying in my old bed/bedroom with my mom down the hall. And can you believe I was the one who asked to move down to the city & had to convince Matt. Yesh, you see how crazy I am? Well after graduation we headed back to our apartment in the city and my friend Dana came down to hang with us and spend the night. So grateful for that because that morning after I woke up from passing out on the ottoman mid feeding bread to her while she passed out sick from drinking…I sat up and it was the most crisp blue morning. This feeling overcame me and I sat there in awe looking at the skyline in front of me and said “hah never moving back” (all cocky in my head) and from that day forward I never got home sick again. I’ll never forget that morning, I always felt it was God’s way of showing me “it’s going to be okay.”
That was the view I woke up to every morning. From my “Florida ceiling windows” I really called them that until my husband was so nice to correct me. Haha
But a part of me would get really depressed as well while living down there. Since my husband was alwayyyyyssss and is alwaaaays at work. I was left alone tooooo much. There were so many things I wanted to see and do, but I didn’t want to do them alone. Like some things are great to do alone, but in my eyes the city life was meant to experience with the ones I loved. I wanted someone to take the architectural boat rides with, the random walks all over the city, Cubs games, fireworks show, brunch with girlfriends, bar scene on the weekend. I wanted to hit the best breakfast spots in the morning. I wanted so badly to have my “Sex and The City/Gossip Girl” lifestyle. And some days I did. I really did. Then others were left with me not even showering, no bra, maybe I brushed my teeth…. looking out the windows in severe FOMA at all the other people while Matthew was steady at work. Sure my friends came down, & my sisters but let’s face it, they have lives and can’t be at my becking side when I decide I need another adventure. So I slowly started to resent the city life and immediately thought “Omg let’s move back to the burbs!! I will have my family and all my friends and actually have a life again!!” <—–that’s where someone should have punched me.
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I honestly blame HGTV & Fixer Upper for my move back to the burbs. Curse them shows for sucking me in like them did. I thought inorder me for me not to feel lonely anymore I need to move back and we need to buy a house….duh! Which in so many ways it did help me and did bring me back to my family. Buuuut with the upside there is a downside. I am now now always missing my Matthew. Life is so funny sometimes I swear. He is beginning to resent the commute, and being away from me alllll the time. So here I am like “sh*t” with my thoughts now. I know a move back to the city will make him so happy because he never wanted this move, and he will be home a lot more and it will cause a lot less stress on his part. & that is what I am learning, when we married each other we vowed to put each other first, so in this case if he’s not happy all the way out here, that is not fair to him. The part that sucks is I do LOVE the townhouse we built together. It’s gorgeous, modern, new, it’s in an AMAZING neighborhood & close to family and friends. So here I write very crazed like I think I “f’ed up big time” I forced this move, I wanted and needed it. And now I’m like how do we move back to the city without losing our sanity and bank accounts. I can’t apologize enough to Matthew feeling so bad for this. Really I do.
Because I am the person I am, I left no time and told people my thoughts. This is how I bounce off ideas but seem to get super upset when people put me down for them. A lot of people have given me their opinion, “you’re crazy” “omg you guys are so annoying” “no I don’t want you back in the city” “oh yes I say go for it” “you’re young enough, make the move back” the comments go on. And with each comment I never wanted to hurt people’s feelings so I just would listen. But at the end of the day I/we need to do what we want and what will make us happy. I rushed into buying this house and since I am a regretful person I don’t want to rush again and be in the same perdictament. We already know we are crazy for not even being in our house for a year, for moving for the 5th time in 4 years, for “spending money stupidly” you are not telling us anything I don’t already know. But this decision is taking a major toll on my sleep time so I thought it would be great to vent out and maybe have people understand vs judge. I mean honestly judge all you want, but I literally can’t keep living for other peoples wants, so I need to figure out what I really want. I know I love our townhome, but I know I loooove the city. My dogs also do not make the city life the easiest on me, but I realized if we move they will be caged 14 hours less a week. That’s big to me. But isn’t it crazy how life always has a funny way of showing us what we didn’t see we had until we have left it? Lord, I just wish I would have realized quicker so I didn’t cause such an expensive life lesson. Sorry bud. In the end with whatever we choose, I hope people are happy for us, and understand vs hating on the thought of it. I don’t ever want to come off as ungrateful, I am so grateful it’s not funny, & that’s why I want to be smart about everything, and not have people being upset with me. I heard some great advice from my mother in law today “you guys are not crazy, you’re very passionate” and “don’t look back in life regretting the choices you didn’t take” and then it hit me, that’s who me and Matt are. Absolutely insanely crazy passionate. I feel if I don’t take this move back I will always regret it. So if I do this, it’s what I want, & I want people to understand that. Life is so short, so do what you wish, and do it while you can. Yesterday is in the past, tomorrow isn’t promised, but today…. today you have, & dammit make it worth it. If it’s not making you happy, change it, if it doesn’t cause you to smile, leave it, coming out of a comfort zone is hard, as I keep learning but, hey at least I am learning. I am also learning that not everyone can see your vision because it isn’t for them. So it is very hard for them to relate or understand. And I shouldn’t have to keep apologizing for that. But I hope maybe this can help people understand. A lot of times I get super uncomfortable talking about what I want in life, but I can’t help it. My dreams and life are big and crazy, and that is something I’m learning to be proud of, not embarrassed of.
Sincerely the girl who’s dog has been crying for the past 10 mins because he needs to play now,
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