So this post is kinda really personal, but everyone who knows me…knows I am an open book! So…please no negative comments, as this is never to put anyone down, but yet hopefully inspire people or let them know “you’re not alone”
The year I turned 25, hit me in a way I never thought would. No, I did not hit the mini crisis some experienced, or at least that my husband did thinking he was too old. Bet he wishes he can go back to 25 now… hehe (sorry bud had to go there 😘). Anyways, 25 hit me in my mind. I don’t view anything the same anymore. It’s like my mind learned the meaning of life over night. This year has brought me to really appreciate all life has to offer. The people, the animals, the seasons, just everything. I’m also super emotional these days, in a good way(I guess?), I will read one article and ball like a baby. I literally “can’t even”with myself these days. 🙄😩😂
Anyhow, I have always been a hopeless romantic. I love, love. It’s that simple. You see how I met my husband was a major blessing in my life that he will never truly understand. I met my Matthew at 21 years old. I was straight out of a 6 year relationship with my ex who was nothing but trouble, & filled my life with toxic emotion. We all have that one ex where we literally think to ourselves “why? Why did I date him, why did I allow that, why did I not leave him earlier” yes I was so young, when we started dating but I look back and feel nothing but embarrassment. He took cheating to the next level with what he did to me. And the real funny part, he was the one to dump me, & I beeeeegggged for him back. I know, idiot. He didn’t care, & I was fully blinded by comfort and the toxic relationship we shared. (Don’t worry for years to come he cried for me back, & I finally got my respect back by never replying to him. YESSS!! Sorry y’all, small victory for this girl.) Anyhow, I prayed, & I prayed to God, “please just allow me to get over him and to never ever go back to him” I wanted that for myself. I NEEDED that for myself. So not even a month after the breakup, I met my Matthew. Little did I know he would change my life, FOREVER. I know, wow one month out of my six year relationship and I wanted someone else. Well I’m a relationship girl, I also believe in love at first sight, because seeing Matthew that day, I KNEW! “That’s him, he’s the one!”
What you guys don’t know is, I knew Matthew from a few years back, he graduated with my older sister Lauren and we had a few run ins. I always thought he was such a cutie, but that was it… Until I seen him that day at my work. I walked in from an emotional day and he looked up and smiled at me and I nearly fainted. He was my answered prayer. I knew it. I went to the extent of creeping his Facebook and showing my mom and sister all his pics like “isn’t he so cute, omg” I know so creepy girl, but it’s the truth. I finally had got the courage and messaged him, but let me say… he legit replied within seconds like he was siting there saying “finally she’s talking to me” buuuut that’s a story for a different day. 😉 Long story short, my Matthew showed me what it was like to be happy. Fully 100% happy. He also has shown me what true love really is. I know corny, but honestly, it’s what has got me head over heels for him. I thank God everyday for the life he has given me, & how blessed I truly am.
Here’s where being 25 comes into play. I have always needed reassurance that everything will be okay in life. If something bad were to maybe happen, I would look for my moms reply to settle my nerves. I am like that to this day. Each night right before I fall asleep all life’s worries rush to my brain. “What if something happens to Matt, what if something happens to my family” “why is nothing the same as when I was a kid” to be truthful, I feel like I understand mid life crisis. I don’t think people are upset because they are 40, I mean yes, but I feel it’s because one day they blinked and half their life has gone by and nothing is the same. All your childhood memories of people, their image sticks with you, correct? Then when you think about it, & you realize they don’t look the same, maybe have passed away, it simply has all changed. You are no longer living at home with your family, & maybe your own family is no longer all at home. People grow up and things change, & to me I have already started experiencing that. So each night I suffer from my own panic attacks. To the point I call my mom, or wake Matt up in tears. And for the first time in my life I’m learning to bring myself reassurance. My mom always came to my rescue as a kid, she ALWAYS will, & my Matthew came to my rescue a few years back when I prayed to God for him. But this time at 25, I am realizing I needed to do something for myself.
I have always been very indepent in a weird needy way. I hate doing what others do, I’m never shy, & most likely too much for some. Oh well. But at 25, I started to really love myself and have decided I wanted more for me. I use to always wear fake eye lashes, hair extensions, I did it all. For the past few months I have not worn any of that and I have never felt better about myself. I love me some fake lashes, don’t get me wrong haha, but I started noticing this trend on IG where all these women are starting to look the same (nothing wrong with that, but like I said… I hate blending in) and I decided to revamp myself and pull away from what I thought “I needed to be beautiful & stand out” doing so has brought me to honestly love myself for who I am. I look at myself in the mirror these days and I am like …wow it’s you, it really is! Some women change their entire look when they are feeling down, & needing a change, I tried a new approach and started from the inside out, and went back to my roots of just being…me. Which has brought me back so much of my confidence in myself. Crazy right? My outlook on life has changed and I want more for myself, & I want to do it for myself, not have it handed to me. I want to look back and say “yes! I did that!” It has brought me so much motivation & drive that I won’t allow myself to fail. This is always what caused me to get super upset when I see people trying to take that from me, because this is a goal of mine. To really take my dream full speed ahead and go for it!!!! I want people to look at me for motivation, and see what I, myself am doing for me. That’s what I am trying to do. But I don’t like when I see people just taking from me. “If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough” & mine scare me. Scare me a lot. I have so much faith in people it is my own downfall. But I won’t allow myself to get on their level. So here is it. 25 is showing me who I really am. It has shown me to stop seeing others do it, and to do it myself. I literally said to myself one day “just go for it” all I can do is fail and try again. 25 Has shown me what I want out of life, it has shown me some people’s true colors, and most importantly, shown me I can be pretty kick a** I just need to continuing loving and trusting myself. I cannot wait for life. I hope to look back in a few years and see a Decor S’more business up and running. I hope to see me continuing to stay true to myself and not fold and all life’s tricks. I hope to see me with a beautiful family filled with traditions. I will continue to make the life around me beautiful. And to ALWAYS remember how fortunate and blessed I am. There are so many things I want to help out with. Starving animals and children. I have already adopted and fostered so many animals in need, maybe I will be fortunate enough to do that with children. This is what 25 has taught me. To give back. To love myself. To stay focused on my dream. Nothing in life is guaranteed, and can all be gone in a second. So I am deciding to live for now, & for my future.
That was way long. But it felt great to get out.
Sincerely the corny girl wearing her dad’s old big sweatshirt right now writing to a few people who might actually read this.